cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
Randomize
