Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
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