allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
you would pick up someone in the library
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
Houston, we have a squirter
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
Randomize
