I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
Randomize
