I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
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