I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
Randomize
