Christians are straight up FREAKS
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Randomize
