Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
this is an emotional support booty call
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
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