Seriously, I'd take them all over any of the milfs here...and you know how much that means coming from me
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
I enjoy the company of your penis
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
Randomize
