For what it's worth, your chances of anal go up the more she loves you. There's always a silver lining.
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
Lets start a coed nudist frat/sorority. It would be amazing. Or just an orgy club. It would also be amazing
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
