this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Randomize
