I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
After he told me that it's up to him to carry on his family name, I almost felt bad for not letting him cum inside me.
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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