I'm going to jail i love you
the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
Randomize
