fuck your aforementioned shoe
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
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