I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
If the first sentence isn't something about weed or the nature of choclate I'm skipping class.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
