My nipple is on Facebook.
oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
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