we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
