No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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