I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
Randomize
