Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
Randomize
