My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
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