Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
A bitchslap is in order.
Randomize
