the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
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