Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
I need to align my fucking chakras
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
Randomize
