Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
Randomize
