did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
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