Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
just played fuck the dealer and thunderstruck with my physics ta. he is the third ta that i have drank with this semester, i think i'm getting good at college
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
Randomize
