You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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