I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
Puuuub goooolf. Being trashed at 830 never felt so right
Dude what hole are you on?....and its 9:15
hole5. 2 under par. irish nachos
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
Randomize
