We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
people from other dorms came to marvel at the dump i took. i had a bio major take a picture.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
My breath smells like gin and sadness
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
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