i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
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Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
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Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
I need a beard to bite.
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
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