Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
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