I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Randomize
