Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
Randomize
