I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Randomize
