I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
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I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
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Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
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