Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
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