i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
Randomize
