I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
So squirting runs in the family.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
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