where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
Also, horsecock action starts in about a month. Have you prepared yourself yet?
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
Randomize
