I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
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