about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
Randomize
