So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
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