your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
I drew a venn diagram at the top of my final comparing stuff i know and stuff on the test.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
Gay?
German.
Pity.
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
Randomize
