I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
I bet him anal if they won...the one time Detroit decides to win, it had to be this week
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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