Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
Do you ever think that bumblebee is the gay transformer?
Every day of my life.
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
Randomize
