you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
Randomize
