We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
do people in england often walk their sheep on leashes? or is this guy the exception to the rule?
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
Randomize
