My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
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