Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
New word for getting laid so we don't sound like whores in public when we are talking about it : stamp the passport
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
I use my feet as sexual weapons
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
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