Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
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