yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
Randomize
