So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
just found the deal breaker
hairy back?
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
I need some transition time from spring break.. can we day drink between classes this week?
he climbed up to our party on the 2nd floor balcony and then pulled a glass mug and a beer from his knapsack. these freshmen are intense
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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