Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
I have officially had sex in every room on my floor. Don't say I'm not an amazing RA.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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