girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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