Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
Maybe just the first 2 wks of Nov can be dick detox.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
Randomize
