Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
Post a pic on facebook and see if those same 46 girls find shitting in the bed handsome and adorable
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
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