I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
Actions speak louder than words. Her actions scream crazy.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
Randomize
