She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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