doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
Randomize
