also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
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