Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
the guy next to me needed a pen, so I let him take one from my book bag. my panties are now being passed around the class...thank you for telling me you hid them in my bookbag.
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
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It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
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Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
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